


Death of the Author

by InHisImage



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Spoilers, This is super unrefined but I needed to get it off my chest, between the lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27544624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InHisImage/pseuds/InHisImage
Summary: Sam is drained dry by a victory that left them nothing to celebrate.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/Castiel (referenced), Sam Winchester & Jack Kline (referenced), Sam Winchester & Lucifer (referenced)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Death of the Author

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kinda mad? Because like, half of your family goes poof and when are you going to address that? Don't get me started on Adam and Michael. Don't get me started on Lucifer and Michael. Don't get me started on all the wasted potential. I'm just mad so there's that.
> 
> Also, I needed to write whatever this is so I can get it out of my head and get some sleep I don't know, I might edit it into something more coherent later. But for now, any good fix-it recommendations will be super appreciated please and thank you!

"It's pretty quiet."

Sam blinks his blank observation and squints, inhales. The world plays its visuals frame by frame, its colors faded, its sounds dulled and still thunder behind his eyes. Every thought clings to the inner walls of his head a little too long, before it slides, slow and sluggish, down, down, down. And by the time he can verbalize it, it's gone.

His choice of words is the lexicon of a fifth grader.

What he wants to say is, _we've driven and driven and driven with no destination and then right back to the bunker, right back home. Why does it feel like a ghost house: vacant, haunted; muted, too loud._

What he wants to say is, _desolate, desolate, desolate, let me grieve._

He sags, his shoulders drop. Relief is a placebo pill he tries to swallow anyway. There's bitterness to a victory that leaves you with nothing to celebrate. He'll manufacture a veneer of half-hearted festivity, still, if not for the incessant nag of loss crushing his windpipe and demanding a room to breathe, then for Dean.

Dean hums his general agreement, an unspoken plea for an interval, _please don't._ He says, "Mhmm."

But what Sam wants to say is, _I never got to say goodbye. We lost our best friend and I never got to say goodbye. And now he's a memory without a casket, without a funeral, without closure. And are you okay, Dean? Are you okay?_

What he wants to say is, _the child we raised will be a better kinder god and I'm so proud my chest might burst with it. But it's our son, Dean, my son, Dean, and I know, I know, he'll be in every speck of the air, everywhere and anywhere and how fucking selfish is it, that I'd rather him right here?_

But the gods of the greater good always demand a sacrifice. Sam is no stranger to paying in blood and to the kind of reward that isn't his to claim. Seven billion people snapped back into existence except Sam is still mourning two. He doesn't wonder if, when, a utilitarian sort of joy will ever kick in, too. He doesn't because his beer is cold, and the harder he clutches, the colder, the colder, why is it always...

What Sam wants to say is, _I handed Michael the blade. Does it count? Tell me any of it counts._

What he wants to say is, _every time I burn the skeletons in my closet, he comes back._

What he wants to say is, _it should have been me._

"To everyone we lost, along the way."

Dean has this strain about him, a melancholic repressed helplessness stretching his frame taut. If nothing else, Dean is the epitome of survival's guilt; his false relief is a rough dry thing that doesn't even try. He raises his bottle, toasts the fallen and the risen and the fallen again. And Sam thinks of the brother bearing their cross with them, of the kid with the genetic target on his head and an archangel incinerated, obliterated, beneath their shared skin. He wonders if he'll be brought back a human vessel, empty and alone, if there will ever be an Adam without the millennium of light taken from him.

What Sam wants to say is, _it's breaking my fucking heart._

What he wants to say is, _I can see the loss in your eyes too. Dean, I can see the gaping hole in your chest too. Dean, I can see you leaking grief and rage and regret and talk to me, talk to me, talk to me._

But they talk about moving on, writing their own story, a thousand open roads to travel along. They eat, shower, breathe, check on friends and loved ones and the family a phone call away. They cry in separate locked rooms. Rinse and repeat. Just us.

What Sam wants to say is, _the silence is killing me._

What Dean wants to say is, _Sammy, he said he loved me._

**Author's Note:**

> So I know we technically have one more episode to go and I'm still crossing my fingers we'll get actual big events/feelings addressed at least in passing conversation with the boys, but I guess I needed to write this because I really hoped some of those events were addressed in real time while they happened? Like we've spent a while in a vacant world and I don't know, but that was super good in principle but nothing was done with the time except Dean and alcoholism and the dog (chuck being petty as hell was fun though).
> 
> And I'm just mad we got the archangels for two minutes each because that's a Michael vs. Lucifer conflict that deserved so much more (not just the pathetic battle but better fucking dialogue?)
> 
> On the other hand I kinda love both archangels ultimately siding with their dad because it makes all the sense to me in a "angels want God's love above all else" context, but I'm still bitter about Michael/Adam stuff and Adam being brushed off again. And I'll never not be bitter about what they did to Lucifer's characterization along the years but that's old news. Oh, but Michael being the originator of religions was gold.
> 
> I read somewhere how every concept in this episode was good on paper but the rushed execution and probably covid limitations and giving major stuff a minute to play out was where they failed to deliver and I wanna agree? Like, cool, entertaining, but I actually wanted to feel things? And if this episode was stretched into two and things actually handled with respect and time and a little more nuance, it would have been really decent? 
> 
> Uhh, anyway, if you've read any of this, thank you! I'd love to discuss the episode whenever so hit me up if you wanna!


End file.
